I Know I Should Hate You

None of it mattered, did it?  Promises, lies, truths, even life.  While lying on this hard, cold, tile floor I realize this.  Everything you said was a lie, wasn't it?  Now here, ready to take my life, I ask myself:  Why the hell am I just realizing this?  Why am I just realizing how wrong we are for each other?  Yet, I still can't shake the fact that I love you with every beat of my heart.  I don't want to love you as much as I do, so I decide to die.  I have no idea how; I just know I want to leave.  I want to get away from everything.  I don't want to hurt.  I don't want to love.  I just want numbness.  I want to feel nothing.  You say I need help, I say otherwise.  But that's how it always is, isn't it?  You want to help me; I want to be left alone.  You want what's best for me, I can do it myself.  Great, now there's tears smudging the ink.  Damn, I feel like such a sissy.  Why am I crying?  It just makes me feel alone.  It just makes everything feel worse.  Not even my tears want to stick around.  Even they hate me.  So why do I do it?  Beats me.  Ever since my knife was confiscated, though, it seems like crying is the only thing I have.  I don't even have you to turn to.  Ever since she stole you from me, I have nothing.  Well, that's a lie.  I do have one thing: a vast whole in my heart where you should be.  You ripped a whole in my chest when you left, and it hurts like hell.  All I can ask is why.  Why do you hurt me like this?  You once said you loved me.  You said you would do anything for me.  Was it all a lie?  What were your true intentions?  To make me believe there was someone out there who truly loved me, then break me?  Was everything you promised just a game to you?  It was definitely more than that to me.  It was what got me through the day.  Knowing that there was someone who loved me with their whole heart.  I had someone who would support and encourage me through everything.  Someone who promised to love me past death.  I had someone who put me before them self, who would do anything to make me happy.  Now all I have is an empty heart and the will to die.  To me, that's the worst thing one can do to another.  Promise them the world then take it away and deny the whole thing.  That's basically what you did to me.  And I want to hate you for it.  I want to hate your guts with my entire being, but I can't.  I can't no matter how hard I try.  Maybe it's because I'm not a liar.  I don't break my promises to you.  I promised to love you forever, and that's exactly what I'm doing.  I know I should hate you.  I know I shouldn't love you.  Knowing you should hate someone is a horrible feeling, but what's worse is not knowing whether to live or die.  Its my decision.  I don't have a clue what to do.

I know I should hate you.

                      -Riku